The Secret Of Me

A few hours ago I just knew my result of the final exams, the very unpredictable result. And this is the worst result for this 2 years; and hope it is the worst, there would be no worse than this one
>.<

For this semester, I have taken 7 subjects with total of 23 credits. Four subjects of Mathematics, which are Calculus Lanjut II, Real Analysis, Mathematical Methods, Mathematical Statistics. And the last three are Java Programming, Data Structure, and Database System; for the Informatics Technology concentration.

From this seven, I got only one 'A' from the IT subject, Java Prog; two 'A-' for Data Structure and Database System. And I failed in one subject, Mathematical Methods. The other results was not better either. The highest score for the Math subjects is 'B'. How about the others? Guess it...
Since the first semester, I had not ever failed. And I had never gotten 'B' or less, 'B+' used to be the lowest score, and I hoped it is. But now.... my hope disappeared. And I can do nothing now to fix it...

...the beginning
Since the first time I went to this university, I got 50% scholarship. But this percentage could be changed to 100% if I got IP greater than 3.75. Then I thought I will run after this scholarship, which we called it as Platinum Scholarship. Then when I would see the result, I was a little worried that I couldn't get the standard IP (3.75). Okay, but now everything has changed. My main goal is not to get the platinum scholarship anymore, but to maintain my 50% scholarship. Several months ago I was still trying to get more than 3.75, now I'm struggling to achieve more than 3.00.
Until 2 years ago, I was still one of the best in my class. or At least I didn't get any 'C' in my report card... But at the moment, I think I might be the lowest in my class. Hmmm no.. I think I am one of the lowest since the first year... I started to think negatively, that I am not right to be here, I have no potential here, I am not smart enough, then  was my "psikotest" really true? ... Day by day I began to lose my confidence, my faith, my hope..
I studied and studied. I did some exercise. I have prayed to Him, I asked for His help. I did everything. I was pretty sure I will get better score than the last one. But what do I get??? What else should I do? Seems like I've done my best.... but...
I have to admit that a part of my heart had given up. The last exams' result had been pulling me down. I had fallen to my own hopelessness. I have tried to stand up, but I don't know, am I completely arise?
Now I realized, all I've been thinking this time is about me and myself. I fell down in the same hole again and again, yeah it's not the first time. Although someone has ever reminded me that I am no one without Him. Yeah, I have no confidence, I am not brave enough, and I am not capable enough, that I really need Him.. I can't do all these things alone.
<Maybe you should remind me again next time>

...the final exams
A week ago was the dead week for me, because I was having the Final Exams. I couldn't even choose which subjects was the scariest one. I was afraid of all the test.
First day >>>  Real Analysis, among six, I can't answer 2 questions completely. But I thought I would get at least more than half of the full score. Then Java Programming. I got the best score for this subject on mid exams. But the last test was very very very difficult, as my friend told me. I can't predict my result, but I felt it would be bad because I hadn't finish answer all the questions.
Second day >>>  no test at all this whole day. I stayed at home and studied for the next day. I woke up late that day, and I couldn't concentrate studying that morning. I just found my spirit back at the night.. very late...! Two days for studying and I still had to sleep very late, I slept at 3 o'clock and woke up 3 hours later and not finished yet actually.
Third day >>> Two dreadful test, Mathematical Methods (Metmat) and Database System (SBD). Metmat is the worst I thought. Only one question that I was sure to answer it. The other 3? I didn't really know how to do it. Then for a few hours, I forgot everything about Metmat and continue my study of SBD which had not done yet. When I studied together with my friends, there was something I forgot to ask them, although I felt it was important and I really needed to ask. Then yeah, that one thing is written in my SBD question sheet. whoa, I didn't know what is it, but I couldn't let it blank, so I just wrote anything I know in my answer sheet.
Fourth day >>> Calculus test greeted me in the morning. I had a lack of exercise for this subject. When I did the test, my head was completely blank, I couldn't even think right. Even I misunderstood the first question, which I should find the area, but I did look for the volume. The book wasn't not helping me too much either. The next test is Data Structure. Again, I didn't finish studying this subject. Luckily it held in the afternoon at 1.40. Then I had about 3 hours to study. With a little worried, I finished studying in a rush. But in the middle of studying, I got a bad news, the Metmat result! I almost couldn't study at all because of it. But I kept telling myself to focus on Data Structure first.
Fifth day >>> The last day for the last test, Mathematical Statistics (Statmat). If Java was the best score for mid, in the other hand Statmat was the worst one. I mostly afraid with this subject, I hate statistics from the first semester. I did some exercises in the book, but I couldn't done most of them which making me more afraid. Then how 'bout the test? Well, I could smile brightly after this test, it was not as hard as I thought.

...the result
The examinations was over, but my heart kept worrying. I checked SLIM all the time. I made my own prediction, I counted my IP with that prediction. Then, I found out a big possibility of losing my scholarship. Oh No, that could not happen!!! I need an miracle... All support from my friends pushed me to keep my faith. Wait and wait.. One by one the result came out. Until, finally today, I have known all my exams result...
Three subjects result is the same with my own prediction, one is better, and 2 worse. Between the two, one is very unpredictable... But Thanks God, my scholarship is still save..!!! It's only God's grace.. He does not leave me alone, struggle by myself.
Maybe it's the worst for me, but in God it's the best...
I asked Him to give me the best, the best one defined in Him.....
Let it be my stepping stone to improve all..
It is not the end of everything! I still have chance to start over again...

*** I wanted to write a post about my exams since last week, but I thought it would be better if I just wait for the result, that I can tell you a good news.. because I believe He has opened my way to UPH, then He would help me until the end, then He would give me solutions for all my problems here, and it is the solution... ***